Thursday, 1 December 2011
Self Evaluation
When I first entered this class and did an evaluation of myself and my abilities to communicate I rated my self a seven out of ten. However, as I went through the class and further and better understood exactly what communication is I realized I was not quite a seven. After fully understanding the dynamics and dimensions of effective communication, which this class has taught me, and after having done some self observation, I have come to the conclusion that i can now rate myself a ten out of ten as it relates to my communication skills.
Why do people seek advice
Sometimes, people seek advice because they’re in situations of doubt or indecision (especially important decisions) and so they seek out someone they think might have something useful to say. The greater the indecision and the more important the decision, the more likely are people to seek advice.
Sometimes people seek advice to avoid personal responsibility. So, for example, one spouse may say to the other, “I really don’t know what to do with this bonus money. What do you think?” And, assuming the suggestion is followed, the advice seeking spouse can then blame the other for “deciding” what to do with the extra money. Parents who absolve themselves of advising their child about what college to go to may also fall into this don’t-blame-me class.
Some people are simply advice seekers. It seems reasonable to expect people who lack self-confidence and self-esteem to more actively seek advice than people who are high in these qualities. At the same time, however, people who are logical and reasonable might seek advice from persons who are more expert more often than those who are less logical but think they know it all.
Sometimes, advice seeking is used as an ingratiation strategy. Saying, for example, “I know you know a great deal about finances—you’re like a genius. Would you mind looking over my income tax statement?” likely makes the potential advice giver feel good about himself or herself, more positively toward the advice seeker, and, most important, more likely to comply with the request to review the income tax statement.
Sometimes people seek advice to avoid personal responsibility. So, for example, one spouse may say to the other, “I really don’t know what to do with this bonus money. What do you think?” And, assuming the suggestion is followed, the advice seeking spouse can then blame the other for “deciding” what to do with the extra money. Parents who absolve themselves of advising their child about what college to go to may also fall into this don’t-blame-me class.
Some people are simply advice seekers. It seems reasonable to expect people who lack self-confidence and self-esteem to more actively seek advice than people who are high in these qualities. At the same time, however, people who are logical and reasonable might seek advice from persons who are more expert more often than those who are less logical but think they know it all.
Sometimes, advice seeking is used as an ingratiation strategy. Saying, for example, “I know you know a great deal about finances—you’re like a genius. Would you mind looking over my income tax statement?” likely makes the potential advice giver feel good about himself or herself, more positively toward the advice seeker, and, most important, more likely to comply with the request to review the income tax statement.
Lying
Messages Can Deceive
It comes as no surprise that some messages are truthful and some are deceptive. Although we operate in interpersonal communication on the assumption that people tell the truth, some people do lie. In fact, many view lying as quite common whether in politics, business, or interpersonal relationships (Knapp, 2008; Amble, 2005). Lying also begets lying; when one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying increases (Tyler, Feldman, Reichert, 2006). Furthermore, people like people who tell the truth more than they like people who lie. So, lying needs to be given some attention in any consideration of interpersonal communication.
Lying refers to the act of (1) sending messages (2) with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false.
• Lying involves some kind of verbal and/or nonverbal message sending (and remember even the absence of facial expression or the absence of any verbal comment also communicates); it also requires reception by another person.
• The message must be sent to intentionally deceive. If you give false information to someone but you believe it to be true, then you haven’t lied. You do lie when you send information that you believe to be untrue and you intend to mislead the other person.
Not surprisingly, cultural differences exist with lying—in the way lying is defined and in the way lying is treated. For example, as children get older, Chinese and Taiwanese (but not Canadians) see lying about the good deeds that they do as positive (as we’d expect for cultures that emphasize modesty) but taking credit for these same good deeds is seen negatively
Some cultures consider lying to be more important than others—in one study, for example, European Americans considered lies less negatively than did Ecuadorians. Both, however, felt that lying to an outgroup was more acceptable than lying to members of the ingroup
It comes as no surprise that some messages are truthful and some are deceptive. Although we operate in interpersonal communication on the assumption that people tell the truth, some people do lie. In fact, many view lying as quite common whether in politics, business, or interpersonal relationships (Knapp, 2008; Amble, 2005). Lying also begets lying; when one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying increases (Tyler, Feldman, Reichert, 2006). Furthermore, people like people who tell the truth more than they like people who lie. So, lying needs to be given some attention in any consideration of interpersonal communication.
Lying refers to the act of (1) sending messages (2) with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false.
• Lying involves some kind of verbal and/or nonverbal message sending (and remember even the absence of facial expression or the absence of any verbal comment also communicates); it also requires reception by another person.
• The message must be sent to intentionally deceive. If you give false information to someone but you believe it to be true, then you haven’t lied. You do lie when you send information that you believe to be untrue and you intend to mislead the other person.
Not surprisingly, cultural differences exist with lying—in the way lying is defined and in the way lying is treated. For example, as children get older, Chinese and Taiwanese (but not Canadians) see lying about the good deeds that they do as positive (as we’d expect for cultures that emphasize modesty) but taking credit for these same good deeds is seen negatively
Some cultures consider lying to be more important than others—in one study, for example, European Americans considered lies less negatively than did Ecuadorians. Both, however, felt that lying to an outgroup was more acceptable than lying to members of the ingroup
Eye contact
While at a restaurant trying to signal the server that I would like the check, I noticed what I guess was always the case, that some servers walk through the restaurant looking at the floor while others (and I'm happy to say, the majority) scan their tables for signs that, perhaps, someone might want more water or bread or that the diners are ready to order or that someone might simply want to ask a question. Don’t we teach this in nonverbal communication? Don’t we teach this at culinary schools? Perhaps some enterprising graduate student will study eye gaze of servers in a restaurant and the relationship it bears to tips. Then, when it’s clear that eye contact is positively related to the size of the tip, servers will look at their diners, at least occasionally.
Communication Strategies: Feed forward
Literary and rhetorical critic, I. A. Richards, once remarked that there was nothing he learned that was more important than the concept of feedforward. It’s an essential part of any communication act and yet is regularly ignored in many, if not most, of our textbooks. This is especially strange since we all give much attention to feedback; the other half needs to be given its due.
Feed forward is information you provide before sending your primary message. Feedforward reveals something about the message to come. Feedforward exists in all forms of communication. Examples of feedforward include the preface or table of contents of a book, the opening paragraph of a chapter, movie previews, magazine covers, and introductions in public speeches. Feedforward may serve a variety of functions. Here are some of the major functions:
< To Open the Channels of Communication. Feedforward helps you open the channels of communication and tells you another person is willing to communicate. It tells you that the normal, expected, and accepted rules of interaction will be in effect. It’s the “How are you” and “Nice weather” greetings that are designed to maintain rapport and friendly relationships.
< To Preview the Message. Feedforward messages may, for example, preview the content (“I’m afraid I have bad news for you”), the importance (“Listen to this before you make a move”), the form or style (“I’ll tell you all the gory details”), and the positive or negative quality of subsequent messages (“You’re not going to like this, but here’s what I heard”). The subject heading on your e-mail illustrates this function of feedforward, as do the phone numbers and names that come up on your caller ID.
< To Disclaim. The disclaimer is a statement that aims to ensure that your message will be understood as you want it to be and that it will not reflect negatively on you. For example, you might use a disclaimer when you think that what you’re going to say may be met with opposition. Thus, you say “I’m not against immigration, but . . .” or “Don’t think I’m homophobic, but . . .”
< To Altercast. Feedforward is often used to place the receiver in a specific role and to request responses in terms of this assumed role, a process called altercasting. For example, you might altercast by asking a friend, “As a future advertising executive, what would you think of corrective advertising?” This question casts your friend in the role of advertising executive (rather than parent, Democrat, or Baptist, for example) and asks that she or he answer from a particular perspective.
Here are a few suggestions for giving effective feedforward.
< Use feedforward to estimate the receptivity of the person to what you’re going to say. For example, before asking for a date, you’d probably use feedforward to test the waters and to see if you’re likely to get a “yes” response. You might ask if the other person enjoys going out to dinner or if he or she is dating anyone seriously. Before asking a friend for a loan, you’d probably feedforward your needy condition and say something like “I’m really strapped for cash and need to get my hands on $200 to pay my car loan” and wait for the other person to say (you hope), “Can I help?”
< Use feedforward that’s consistent with your subsequent message. If your main message is one of bad news, then your feedforward needs to be serious and help to prepare the other person for this bad news. You might, for example, say something like “I need to tell you something you’re not going to want to hear. Let’s sit down.”
< The more important or complex the message, the more important and more extensive your feedforward needs to be. For example, in public speaking, in which the message is relatively long, you’d probably want to give fairly extensive feedforward or what is called an orientation or preview. At the start of a business meeting, the leader may give feedforward in the form of an agenda or meeting schedule.
< Avoid using overly long feedforwards that make your listener wonder whether you’ll ever get to the business at hand. These will make you seem disorganized and lacking in focus.
Feed forward is information you provide before sending your primary message. Feedforward reveals something about the message to come. Feedforward exists in all forms of communication. Examples of feedforward include the preface or table of contents of a book, the opening paragraph of a chapter, movie previews, magazine covers, and introductions in public speeches. Feedforward may serve a variety of functions. Here are some of the major functions:
< To Open the Channels of Communication. Feedforward helps you open the channels of communication and tells you another person is willing to communicate. It tells you that the normal, expected, and accepted rules of interaction will be in effect. It’s the “How are you” and “Nice weather” greetings that are designed to maintain rapport and friendly relationships.
< To Preview the Message. Feedforward messages may, for example, preview the content (“I’m afraid I have bad news for you”), the importance (“Listen to this before you make a move”), the form or style (“I’ll tell you all the gory details”), and the positive or negative quality of subsequent messages (“You’re not going to like this, but here’s what I heard”). The subject heading on your e-mail illustrates this function of feedforward, as do the phone numbers and names that come up on your caller ID.
< To Disclaim. The disclaimer is a statement that aims to ensure that your message will be understood as you want it to be and that it will not reflect negatively on you. For example, you might use a disclaimer when you think that what you’re going to say may be met with opposition. Thus, you say “I’m not against immigration, but . . .” or “Don’t think I’m homophobic, but . . .”
< To Altercast. Feedforward is often used to place the receiver in a specific role and to request responses in terms of this assumed role, a process called altercasting. For example, you might altercast by asking a friend, “As a future advertising executive, what would you think of corrective advertising?” This question casts your friend in the role of advertising executive (rather than parent, Democrat, or Baptist, for example) and asks that she or he answer from a particular perspective.
Here are a few suggestions for giving effective feedforward.
< Use feedforward to estimate the receptivity of the person to what you’re going to say. For example, before asking for a date, you’d probably use feedforward to test the waters and to see if you’re likely to get a “yes” response. You might ask if the other person enjoys going out to dinner or if he or she is dating anyone seriously. Before asking a friend for a loan, you’d probably feedforward your needy condition and say something like “I’m really strapped for cash and need to get my hands on $200 to pay my car loan” and wait for the other person to say (you hope), “Can I help?”
< Use feedforward that’s consistent with your subsequent message. If your main message is one of bad news, then your feedforward needs to be serious and help to prepare the other person for this bad news. You might, for example, say something like “I need to tell you something you’re not going to want to hear. Let’s sit down.”
< The more important or complex the message, the more important and more extensive your feedforward needs to be. For example, in public speaking, in which the message is relatively long, you’d probably want to give fairly extensive feedforward or what is called an orientation or preview. At the start of a business meeting, the leader may give feedforward in the form of an agenda or meeting schedule.
< Avoid using overly long feedforwards that make your listener wonder whether you’ll ever get to the business at hand. These will make you seem disorganized and lacking in focus.
Miss communication
In the third case, I was phoned the day before a booked appointment to say that I would not be able to keep my appointment (and offered two less convenient times as alternatives) because the professional I was to see was “not in”. When I pressed to try and see the person with whom I had an existing relationship, I was told they had left the business. This from a business that would charge me a 50% cancellation fee if I were to cancel within 24 hours of an appointment.
7 ways to communication effectively
- Have self-worth
Self-worth is analogous to self-confidence. The better you feel about yourself (i.e. the more you think you’re worth), the more confident you’re going to be. With self-worth, you can get what you want out of every conversation. Without self-worth you’ll be stuck in small-talk. In order to get what you want out of a conversation, you must give the other person a chance to believe that you’re worthy of their time and effort.
- Get interested in other people
People have two stations which other people can listen to, WIFM (what’s in it for me) and WIFO (what’s in it for others). WIFM is boring for people to listen to. Most people are interested in themselves. People want to be flattered, and you can do this by letting the other person talk about him or herself, by changing the channel to WIFO.
By changing the channel to WIFO, you have just led the person to feeling good about themselves. Since you were the one who made them feel good about themselves, they will be indebted to you and will want to pay you back by helping you out with what you wanted them to do for you.
- Open up a person’s heart
You can do this five different ways…(1) Ask open-ended questions that really get the other person talking a lot. How was your day/weekend/week? What are your hobbies? What do you think of this town? If there is one wish you could wish for, what would it be? The last one might really get them thinking. Don’t limit yourself to just talking about the weather. Ask questions that make them think, that they would be interested in answering, as they feel good about themselves sharing their life with someone. In this case, you! Warning: Don’t just shoot many questions in a row without sharing a little bit about yourself. Doing this may make them feel uncomfortable, as they think you’re like a police officer or detective trying to solve a crime.
(2) Compliment them! However, be specific; don’t just say you look nice. That doesn’t mean anything, but if you say, “you have a beautiful dress, it really compliments your skin color,” then you have a genuine compliment. (3) Ask a person’s name when you first meet them and remember it. From then on, address them by their name at all times. (4) Smile, you can never smile too much. (5) Have a good sense of humor.
- Listen at least two times more than you talk
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Therefore, you should listen twice as much as you speak. To show that you’re listening effectively, you must ask follow-up questions. A follow-up question shows the other person that you’re listening, and perhaps equally important extends the length of the conversation in a good way. For example, somebody tells you they love to hike. Ask, why do you like to hike? What is it like to hike? I was interested in hiking; could you give me some basic advice on hiking? By showing you listen, and by extending the conversation, you really open up a person’s heart.
- Diversify yourself
Learn about sports, dancing, even television shows, etc. This gives you subjects to talk about, as well as chances to meet new people. In cases such as dancing, where you meet people as you perform the activity, you’re actually killing two birds with one stone. You get the chance to meet new people, plus the chance to diversify yourself, as well. It also gives you status, essential for getting the most out of any conversation. For people are more attracted to somebody who is diversified, and has a lot to talk about. Being diversified is an important commodity for anyone to have.
- Understand that your worth never changes
Follow along…In my hand I am holding a check for a million dollars. I crumble it up. It’s still worth a million dollars. I step on it, it’s still worth a million dollars, I start rubbing it on the floor with my shoe, and it’s till worth a million dollars.
You are worth a lot more than a million dollars. In fact, your worth is immeasurable. Therefore, there is no such thing as ‘rejection’ as you’re always worth the same no matter what. Nobody can reject you because nobody can change your worth. Moreover, don’t be afraid of something (rejection) that doesn’t exist. Take risks, ask for what you want, and eventually you will get what you want.
- Follow the step-ladder to success
Imagine wanting to become the heavyweight champion of the world. First you have to beat, the lower-ranked fighters, then the contenders, and then finally rise up to face the champ. In order to face the champ you have to take those three steps in the order stated in the previous sentence. If you would try to face the champ before the contenders/lower ranked fighters, you’ll be “too green,” or immature as a fighter in order to be able to hurt the champion. Follow these steps in order (i.e. lower-ranked fighters, contenders, and champion), you won’t be guaranteed success but you’ll give yourself your best chance. Same goes with conversational skills. First you have to approach your second or third choice of date, before you’re able to gain the courage to face the ‘champion,’ your top choice date. You have to first be able to interact with fellow employees, and lower-level managers, before you can learn to deal with the CEO. Again, just like in boxing, you won’t be guaranteed success, but you’ll give yourself your best shot.
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